How you can support your child during puberty

One of the best strategies during your child’s puberty is reassurance and ensuring they know you are a safe adult that they can trust to share difficult conversations, without fear of judgement or embarrassment. Explaining that puberty is an exciting time that means adulthood is approaching can be a positive way to introduce this time of change. Try to show compassion for the changes they’re experiencing and reassure them the changes are normal, and that many are only temporary.

You may also find it useful to keep the following tips in mind:

• Praise your teenager for their efforts, achievements and positive behaviour.
• Put yourself in your child’s shoes. If you experience them pushing back on boundaries, try to see their behaviour for what it often is: your child struggling to become an individual.
• Try to stay calm during angry outbursts from your child. Wait for your child to cool down before talking about the problem.
• They will be learning how to regulate their own emotions from how you react when there is conflict in the home.
• Stay interested and involved in your child’s life, and always let them know you are available if they want to talk.
• Chat to your partner or other parents of teenagers. Sharing concerns and experiences can help normalise the process and make you feel more supported, in turn you can support your young person.
• Try to support your child in their self-expression, even if some of it seems odd to you, such as an extreme haircut or strange or different clothing choices.
• Try to tolerate long periods of time spent on personal care, such as hours in the bathroom, but chat to your child about reasonable family time limits.
• Talk to your child about any permanent changes they want to make to their body, such a tattoos and piercings, and discuss temporary alternatives, such as henna (removable) tattoos.
• If your child has acne, talk to them about how they feel about it. If it is bothering them, ask if they would like to see a doctor. Your doctor may refer your teenager to a skin specialist or dermatologist.

How you can support your daughter during puberty

Helping your daughter with firsts, such as being ready for their first period can be a very important time for the relationship between a parent and their daughter.
Help them prepare by providing them with information and having conversations about periods being nothing to be ashamed of, being an important ritual for young women and a normal part of becoming an adult. Provide them with sanitary items for home and school, and explain how to use them hygienically (for example, having clean hands when using tampons, or not sleeping with one in place).
Discuss how cramping and other mood changes may accompany the time of bleeding each month, and explore ways to relieve pain, such as a hot water bottle.

How you can support your son during puberty

Helping your son through puberty is mostly about reassurance. Reassure your son that testes develop unevenly, and it’s common for one to be lower than the other. If your son’s testes are very small or not both in the scrotum, see your GP.
You may also need to reassure your son that penis size does not affect sexual functioning, and that erect penises are usually very similar in size. Every boy develops in his own time. Ejaculating during sleep (sometimes called a wet dream) and spontaneous erections are both normal.
Having conversations about gender and how this is viewed in our society can be important, as there are stereotypes and conditioning that can impact a young person’s confidence through these pubescent changes.
If your son experiences breast growth or tenderness, he may be concerned. Again, reassurance and normalising the experience is the key. Any tenderness is likely to settle once his chest widens. If your son feels small or too thin for his age, reassure him he will grow in time.

How to look after yourself at this time

Puberty is the beginning of your child’s transformation into an adult. Take some time to accept that your child, and your role as parent and your family dynamic, is changing.
You may also need to accept that you won’t have total control over your child’s choices and life direction once they’re a young adult.
Some tips for ways to take care of yourself:

• Prepare a weekly family plan, so you know what people are doing and where they need to be. Include some fun family rituals, like Saturday night cards, or maybe a weekly walk or bike ride. Don’t forget to schedule some time for yourself.
• Nurture your relationship with your partner. Remember, they’re facing many of the same challenges that you are. A regular date night in your family schedule can be very helpful to deepen your connection and ability to support each other as parents and as romantic partners.
• Use your support networks, like grandparents, other family members and friends. What child (including your teenager) doesn’t enjoy being spoiled by a doting grandparent? You could also share carpooling or supervision duties with friends.
• Ask the kids to help out with household chores. Your child will learn some new skills, gain some new responsibility, and it will lighten the load for you as parents and carers. Focusing on positive reinforcement for tasks done well rather than punishment for tasks not done has been shown to be a more effective method of parenting where appropriate.
• Stay positive and keep things in perspective. Adolescence does not last forever, and it is a temporary stage in your young person’s life.

How to foster positive independence during puberty

It’s normal for your child to want more independence – but still need your support – during puberty or teen years. They may take risks as they explore their boundaries.
As a parent, you may be worried about your child’s safety, and find yourself arguing with them about their push for independence. Try to stay calm and work through the issues with your child. If your child or you are emotional and upset, it is better for everyone to walk away and calm down before continuing a conversation.
Communicate openly, and make sure your child knows you’re there for them. Stay available, because being accessible is a great way for your young person to use you for support. It also helps you to find out what your child is doing and keep them safe.
Talk to your child about making good decisions, and your family’s values. Ask your child to tell you where they are and what they’re doing, and agree before they go out on reasonable limits, such as a return time. If your young person doesn’t stick to the initial agreement, use that as learning for what they can do differently or better next time.